Stalling for Time

How do you deal with it? My goal is not to judge you about it but to understand why you do it.

I have thought of starting a routine to enlarge my hips, but I calculated the work-the daily insistence, the energy expenditure, the focus required-and placed it on the scale opposite my mental health. The scale tipped. Letting it go was not a failure to start, but a decision to survive. Some dreams are not worth the quiet war they wage on your peace.

I would love to go back to school, but the idea of going through the huddles-the congested transit between classes, the hunt for a functional fan in a tutorial room, the theft of personal time by a system that moves like heavy weather-it feels less like a step forward and more like agreeing to a siege. In a tropical African educational facility, the air is thick with more than heat; it’s thick with friction. To enroll is to commit to a kind of gentle combat. My hesitation is the map of that battlefield.

So, how do I deal with it? I listen to what the procrastination is really saying.

Sometimes it says: This will cost you more than it will give you. That is not laziness. That is a boundary.

Sometimes it says: The path is not just long; it is lined with thorns your body already remembers. That is not fear. That is bodily intelligence.

Sometimes it says: If you make this dream real, you might fail it, and then who will you be? That is not weakness. That is the vulnerability of wanting something deeply.

I deal with it by asking: Is this delay a form of care? Am I protecting my energy, my sanity, my joy? Or am I protecting myself from the discomfort of being seen trying, and possibly failing?

The first kind, I make peace with. I let that goal go like a balloon. It was not mine to hold. The second kind, I negotiate with. I take the smallest, most microscopic step. I write one sentence. I research one course. I do five minutes of the hip routine, not to change my body, but to prove to my mind that action is possible without annihilation.

Concerning blogging, acting on my software developer and cybersecurity career, I have lists. Good lists. Exciting lists. I am thrilled by the architecture of these plans in my mind. I am excited to share them with you. But I think I’ll do that tomorrow